


It'll Have To Be Me

by Mimiminaj



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Derek has to take one for the team, Derek stops him, First Time, M/M, Multiple Orgasms, Protective Derek, Stiles Angst, Stiles was about to hook up with a stranger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-06
Updated: 2013-08-06
Packaged: 2017-12-22 14:18:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/914206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mimiminaj/pseuds/Mimiminaj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You’re seriously going to do this? You’re not going to stop until somebody has sex with you?”<br/>“Only you could make me feel more useless and like a piece of shit than I can. Thank you, Derek. Thank you.”<br/>He started to tug away, but Derek gripped him tighter.<br/>“Than it’ll have to be me.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	It'll Have To Be Me

**Author's Note:**

> Set post season two. No alpha pack. Decided to rebuild the hale house (because I could!). Please tell me what you think afterwards : )

It was sort of a slow burn. The want. The jealousy. The hurt. It kept building and building. He didn't want to care. He could wait, right?  _He could wait_. Not everybody had to lose their virginity when they were sixteen.

Just everybody around him.

It was hard when Scott talked about Allison. Stiles sort of resented him for it. He didn't want to know how in love they were. He didn't want to know they were having sex. He didn't want to know how  _often_  they were having sex.

But Scott felt like sharing. And Stiles resented his best friend's fortune. And Stiles resented the fact that he resented his friend's fortune.

It was a vicious cycle.

Jackson and Lydia were going at it too. And what felt like everyday, people would walk the halls of Beacon Hills and share the new gossip of so and so hooking up with so and so.

Why couldn't that have been him? Why did he have to be the one alone? He just wanted to know what it felt like. Was that bad?

He did what he always did. He researched.

He knew he was gay when he walked in on Danny and Nate in the showers. He didn't even know Nate was gay.

He was so jealous. And he hated himself for it.

He came on to Danny shortly afterward. He laughed him off, saying 'no way Stiles' and walked away. He tried Nate the same afternoon. The Lacrosse Player punched him in the face and told him that if he ever told anybody what went down with Danny, he'd be dead.

Stiles took that as a 'no, I don't want to have sex with you.' The conversation had ended there.

He continued his slow burn. Except everyday it got worse and worse. He hated being around couples. He hated sex talk. He just wanted to get it over with so he could stop obsessing. That was natural, right? Every hormonal teenager went through this, right? No matter how often he told himself to calm down ( _just_   _wait god-damnit_ ) it never seemed to work.

He wanted  _it_. He wanted to touch somebody. He wanted to feel the wait of somebody's dick in his mouth. He wanted to feel somebody else's mouth on his dick. He just wanted to know what it would be like to be 'so impossibly full' like he'd read about on fics and chat rooms.

And every time he thought this, he hated himself.  _You're not a slut. You don't need it. Many, many, many people don't have sex._

Apart of him knew it was just the hormones. Being a teenager was ridiculously hard. The thought didn't make him feel any better. He hated excuses. He hated how he always tried to come up with them.

His answer came from Danny one day in math class. Stiles had asked Danny where he even meets other gay people, and Danny mentioned something called 'Grindr'. Stiles had never heard of 'Grindr' before.

Danny had rolled his eyes and explained that it was an app for your phone that helped you find gay people near your location. He had let slip that it was partially used as a way to hook up. Stiles raced home that day.

* * *

He shoved his backpack on the ground and quickly plopped down on his desk chair. He pulled his phone out, opened the app store, and quickly found it.

"I can't believe I'm doing this."

He installed it.

_Here goes nothing_. It immediately asked for Stiles to build a profile. He did. He went ahead and named himself Stiles. He lied about his age, saying he was 18 instead of 16. He put down his height, weight, ethnicity, the fact that he was single, and that he was looking for Dates and a relationship.

Stiles really just wanted to find somebody. He'd probably regret this later, but he typed in the 'about' column a message a little too direct:  _Hey. Looking for some good hook ups. Hit me up._

Stiles scrunched up his face.  _This is not shameful_.  _This is okay. People do this, right? I am NOT dying a virgin. I could totally die these days what with the werewolves and lizards and shit. Yep, totally understandable. Desperate times calls for desperate measures._

Stiles paused.

_Desperate._ This really was so damn desperate. Why couldn't he stop doing things he hated himself for doing?

He uploaded a pretty good picture of his face before completing the profile and throwing his phone across the desk. His leg wouldn't stop moving. Seriously, they wouldn't stop moving.

He quickly got up and paced the room. Every once and a while he would send a glare to his phone.

Ugh. He really didn't like his life right now. He grabbed his phone as he headed out the door. There was a pack meeting tonight and he was supposed to be there fifteen minutes ago.

SPACE

It was fairly boring. Nothing really crazy had been going on since the Jackson/Kanima near apocalypse, so the meetings really started turning out to be more hanging out nights rather than lets-talk-about-how-we-are-going-to-survive-this nights.

Stiles was in the kitchen, grabbing the last piece of pizza, when his phone buzzed. He looked at it and his eyes immediately widened.

**Hey there. You still looking for a hook up? How's this?**

Stiles didn't understand what 'this' was supposed to be until a little picture box popped under and started to load. Stiles nearly dropped the phone. It was a fairly attractive guy (though older) completely naked with his dick standing at attention.

Stiles quickly read his profile. Shit. He was 31.

But he looked pretty hot. All right he was decent. Stiles knew he was settling but he didn't care. His fingers were like jelly as he tried to type out a response.

**Well that's a way to say hello. Are you…offering?**

Stiles cringed at himself. Could he be any more embarrassing?

**Your face is cute. Send me some more pics.**

Stiles heart was really starting to pick up. He tried to will himself to calm down, but he couldn't believe this was happening. The little box said this guy's name was Jack and he lived just 20 miles away. Stiles figured that he was in the neighboring town.

"Stiles? You okay?"

Stiles head snapped up. Erika was walking into the kitchen with a confused expression. He quickly fumbled with his phone, almost dropping it before successfully pocketing it.

Erika narrowed her eyes and eyed the pocket.

"Your heart was beating  _really_  fast just now."

Her eyes moved to his, questioning.

"Y-yeah. That was like…the  _best_  piece of pizza I've ever had. Did you try the meat lovers? You should really get off the cheese and get to the meat. It's so – "

"Shut up Stiles," Erika growled and rolled her eyes. She moved past him to the fridge, pulling out a wine cooler before turning back to him.

"I didn't know you were seeing someone…" she murmured. She was watching him carefully.

"I'm not."

"Than who were you texting all excited and nervous and… _aroused_?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. Go away."

She laughed. Stiles pushed past her and walked/stormed into the living room, plopping down on the same couch as Scott and Allison. He was fairly sure neither of them noticed.

He glanced around the living room. Isaac was sprawled on one couch with his eyes on his phone. Derek was in the single chair next to Isaac, across the room from Stiles, with his eyes closed.

Stiles knew his alpha was listening and talking everything in. He knew he would have heard the conversation between Erika and himself. He wondered why he wasn't giving him questioning looks. Than again, he highly doubted Derek Hale would care about his love live (or lack there of).

Lydia and Jackson were curled up around each other in a seat for one. Boyd was on the floor already sleeping.

His phone buzzed again.

**Was I coming on too strong? Sorry, I just wanted you to see the boner thinking about you gave me. It says your only 20 miles away?**

Stiles heart lurched again. The guy must have been worried when Stiles didn't respond.

His heart picked up pace. He cursed himself. He glanced up. Isaac was giving him a weird look, but thankfully he was the only one.

Everybody else but Derek had another person distracting him or her. He looked over at the older man. He was relieved to see his eyes were still closed.

**You live in Tarrie? Can…I come over tonight?**

And yes, his heart was practically beating a mile a minute. What was he doing? Was he really going to go to some complete strangers house and have sex with him? Was he really  _that_  desperate?

He clicked send. He hated himself for it.

"Stiles, what the hell's gotten into you?"

For the second time, Stiles jerked his head up. He was surprised to see that everybody in the room was staring at him. And then his phone.

"Oh my god you totally DID find somebody didn't you!" Erika shrieked with delight. "Tell us."

Stiles face immediately reddened. Fuck. This was embarrassing. How the hell was he going to get out of this situation? They were werewolves. They could totally get his phone if they wanted to.

"Mind your own business."

We were trying to, but you're heart is like  _louder_  than the movie."

Stiles glared at Scott. "You weren't watching it anyway."

Scott looked confused. Allison looked like she understood, and than she looked…pitying. Stiles hated pity.

He quickly pulled his phone out and read the new message. It was an address attached with the message  **I can't wait to fuck you, come over as soon as possible**.

"I'm going to leave now," Stiles murmured, standing up. All of the werewolves stood too. Allison and Lydia looked at everybody surprised. Stiles faced matched theirs. He wondered if they were going to force him down and take his phone. They probably thought this was a cute thing with some girl. They didn't even know.

God, this so wasn't good. His whole body immediately tensed.

But than he realized they weren't looking at him, they were looking at Derek.

Their heads were bowed.

Stupid Alpha and his my-will-is-law ways.

"Sit down." He commanded them all. They did. Stiles was the only one standing until Derek did too. He walked over to the TV, cranked up the volume, and turned to his wolves.

"Do not even try to listen in. That is an order. Stiles, I'll walk you to your car."

Stiles eyed Derek warily. He looked like he definitely didn't want to be doing this.  _There's no way he could know what's going on_ , Stiles told himself.

He let Derek lead the way out of his house and towards his jeep. The walk was painfully silent.

When they reached his vehicle, Derek opened the door for Stiles. Stiles cautiously climbed in. Derek didn't make a move to close said door though, opting to stand in the opening the door made.

He put a hand to his face and rubbed his brow. Stiles had the feeling that Derek was very tired of…probably a lot of things. Being the alpha probably couldn't be easy.

"Alright so it's my duty as the alpha to insure, one, your safety, and two, the safety of the pack. You know this."

He paused. Stiles realized he was waiting for something and quickly nodded.  _He couldn't know. No way._

"And I don't know if this girl you're meeting is something serious or a hook up, I don't care, but I know this is going to be your first time."

Stiles scoffed. He was feeling way to many emotions at once. First, he was relieved that Derek didn't actually know about this Jack guy. Second, he was confused that Derek still hadn't picked up on Stiles sexuality, seeing as he'd thought his body would have betrayed him a long time ago in Derek's ridiculously sexy presence.

Third, how the hell could he know that he was a virgin?

"Please, Stiles, these are things a werewolf can just tell. Plus I know you've told people and somehow I found out. Don't remember. Not the point. The point is this. Use protection. If you get a girl pregnant it would jeopardize the pack. You'd be linked to her, irrefutably. Outside forces can use that against us."

Stiles stared with wide eyes. He nodded.

"Alright. I think I'm done being fucking Alpha today. You're good. Have fun."

Derek was turning away. This should have been exactly what he'd wanted. He'd found his way out of the house, into his car, and nobody was there to stop him from driving off.

His phone buzzed again.

**You coming? I'm leaking just thinking about you.**

And he was. Another picture showed the tip of this guys' cock, leaking pre cum. Stiles licked his lips. He could do this.

"Seriously though, you need to calm dow- "

Stiles jumped. He quickly looked over to see Derek's face, completely shocked, staring through the open window. Before he could react, his phone was torn away from his hands.

"What the fuck! Derek, Derek don't look at that. GIVE IT BACK TO ME."

Too late. Derek had his phone in his hands and he was looking over the conversation. His eyes kept getting bigger and bigger.

Stiles shoved his door open, slid out of his jeep, and stormed over to the werewolf. Derek didn't make a move to stop him. He let Stiles grab his phone back and turn toward his jeep again.

Derek was already behind him, stone faced and arms crossed. Damn werewolf speed. Damn werewolf biceps.

_So not the time, Stiles!_

"Get out of my way, Derek." He tried to sound as vicious as he could. He probably looked kind of crazy. Not his fault though; he was about to lose his virginity to a complete 30 year old stranger and his acquaintance/friend/alpha/ _whatever_  just caught him.

"Explain." Derek was immovable, looking down at Stiles with such a strong glare Stiles felt like running back into the house and jumping between Scott and Allison for protection.

_No_. Derek wouldn't take this away from him. He was going to do this. He was done waiting. Everybody else had this. He would too.

"What the fuck are you talking about, 'explain'? It's exactly how it looks. I'm a pathetic  _gay_  teenager that wants to have what everybody else is having. No big deal. You're not going to stop me. It's my life, and unlike the pack in there, you don't control my choices."

Derek's face contorted. It looked like he was processing a lot of information at once.

"'What everybody else is having'? What do you mean by that?"

"It means," Stiles raised his phone, so beyond angry he didn't even care if his pack mates heard. He knew they wouldn't though, they couldn't deny a direct order from Derek. "That I'm tired of being the only virgin around. Everyone else has all the sex they want! Scott and Allison do it like rabbits! Jackson has bed more people than any of us combined. Before Jackson, Lydia had a new boyfriend every other week. I'm the only one, Derek, and I'm fucking tired of it!"

He sucked a breath. He should really stop. He would die from embarrassment if he shared everything.

But Stiles never did know how to shut his mouth. And really, this situation was just too…intense…for thinking straight.

"I want it. I want to give a fucking blowjob. I want to feel a dick inside me. Fuck you for making me say this!"

He got up in Derek's face. Pure shock was written all over it. It would have been funny, in any other situation, how his mouth hung open and his eyes bugged out. Stiles shoved his finger into Derek's chest.

"And this guy is offering. He wants me in a way that nobody else has  _ever_  wanted me. So excuse me for going for it. Get the fuck out of my way Derek, I'm done completely humiliating myself. I probably won't be at pack meetings for awhile, by the way."

He tried to brush past Derek, but his hands quickly grabbed his waist and held him still.

"I will  _not_  let you go to…whatever the fuck this is. You don't know this guy. You don't know what  _diseases_  he has. You don't even know if that's his real picture. He could be a fucking psycho murderer for all we know. Fuck Stiles, what the fuck?"

Stiles stopped struggling, took a few calming breaths, than looked at Derek. He tried to blink away the tears but he feels a few of them slide past anyway.

"It's worth the risk. Unless you plan on watching me 24/7 from now on, it's happening. I'm losing my virginity tonight, or in the near future. Let me go."

Derek didn't move.

"I don't understand. It's just sex. You don't need it. Stop."

"Fuck Derek, you stop! I know its pathetic and messed up and..and..I DON'T CARE JUST FUCKING LET ME GO!"

He did. Stiles staggered backwards before catching himself.

He glared at Derek for a full minute before he started walking around him. He climbed into his jeep, banged the door shut, and reached for his ignition.

"Fuck you Derek." He growled out. The keys weren't there.

"I'm not letting you do this." Stiles looked over at the other man. His face was completely emotionless, his stance looking like he was ready to fight.

"I hate you so much right now."

"Get out of the car."

"Fine. I'll walk. It's only twenty miles. I'll be good and fucked by tomorrow afternoon for sure."

He walked past Derek. He stopped when he felt Derek's hand wrap around his wrist.

"You're seriously going to do this? You're not going to stop until somebody has sex with you."

"Only you could make me feel more useless and like a piece of shit than I can. Thank you, Derek. Thank you."

He started to tug away, but Derek gripped him tighter.

"Than it'll have to be me."

"I don't care now get the fuck off – what? What did you just say?"

His heart leapt. There was no way Derek just said what he'd thought he said.

"Look, Stiles, I can't let you risk your life for this. Maybe you can, but it's my duty to protect everybody in this damn pack."

"What…what are you saying, Derek?"

Derek dropped his wrist and turned towards him. Stiles breath hitched.

"I'll have sex with you. If you need it that bad…I'll do it."

He leaned forward, closing the distance between them, and pressed his lips against Stiles.

Stiles gasped into the kiss. His hands found Derek's neck and pushed him closer. His dick seemed to take over, because while a small part of him was screaming  _stop you idiot_ , the other, more dominant part was screaming  _feels so fucking good._

He moaned as Derek's tongue pushed into his lips. Damn alpha didn't even ask permission. Stiles moaned when their wet organs connected. Derek tasted amazing, like pizza and the woods in the morning and a taste that was so Derek that it made Stiles yearn to taste everything Derek had to offer.

This wasn't a new wish, but it was the first time Stiles had wanted it and realized he could actually have it. It was this revelation that made him pull away.

He breathed heavily as he rested his head against Derek's shoulder. He couldn't look at him. He felt so…ashamed.

"Why would you do this for me?" He panted. He was pleased to hear that Derek had to catch his breath too.

"To protect you."

"Jesus Derek, I never wanted this to happen. I…could you even get it up? Shit, I'm so not forcing you to have sex with me."

"Yes, yes I could get it up, Stiles. You wouldn't be the first guy I've been with."

Stiles looked up shocked, entire conversation completely forgotten.

"New york."

As if that was a satisfying answer.  _It will have to do_ , Stiles thought.

What if he actually did this? What if…god, sex with Derek Hale! He had thought about it countless times before. Now he could have it. And he wanted it so, so bad.

He groaned, hands fisting into Derek's jacket.

"This is so pathetic. This will change way to much, Derek. W-we can't. I won't be able to look at you again."

"Than don't do it. But you also can't use whatever the fuck app that was. You have to wait till you find a real somebody."

"No. I can't do that either. I'm sorry."

"Than I'm fucking you."

"Derek."

"No. You don't get a choice. We're going to go inside, I'm going to send the pack away, than you're going to suck my dick till I'm wet enough to open you up and fuck you senseless."

Stiles groaned. He was pretty sure he was  _rock_  hard by now. He couldn't even find it in him to regret telling Derek he wanted to blow a guy.

Stiles lifted his head, slowly looking up into Derek's eyes.

They were soft. They were never soft.

Derek leaned down, brushing his lips against Stiles mouth. It was a small, chaste kiss. Innocent. Calming.

He fisted his hands in Derek's jacket again.

"Fine. I want this…I want exactly what you just said."

Derek moaned. He grabbed his hand and tugged him toward the house. Stiles stilled. Derek let him stop, turning a questioning brow at him.

But before the big bad could say anything, Stiles was pushing him backwards and against the door of his jeep. He leaned up and returned his lips to the older man's, attacking them with new passion and commitment.

Derek growled. Stiles felt his body shake.

His hands shook as he placed them on Derek's hips. He slowly slid them up, under his shirt, and ran his fingers over Derek's abs. They both groaned. So this was what it felt like to have somebody else under his fingertips. To be touching skin and thinking  _mine_.

He let Derek control the kiss (which meant a lot of licking inside of Stiles' mouth) as his hands reached Derek's nipples. He tugged.

"S-stiles. We need to take this inside. Now."

Derek grabbed his hands and slid them off himself.

Stiles eyes were blown from lust. "So this is happening."

"Calm down, Stiles. You need to, for now, will  _that_  away." He accented  _that_  with a quick glance at Stiles tented jeans. "You don't want to be smelling like…like you do when we go in there."

"Can't we just stay out here than? Right here, right now?" Stiles groaned.

"Stiles, you're a virgin. You don't understand yet. I'm going to make you  _scream_."

And that was around the moment when Stiles legs gave out. Derek caught him quickly and let a small bit of laughter escape his lips.

"You can't say those things and not expect me to be as hard as a fucking boulder."

Derek smirked. Asshole knew exactly what he was doing and Stiles was not happy about it. Okay he was, but Stiles still had man pride and he was not letting go of it. Well, at least all of it.

He shook Derek off and began walking toward the house.

"I am in complete control of my body."

He turned but found nothing but his jeep. He turned back to the house and Derek was leaning against the front door.

"Now think about that speed… _in bed_."

Stiles groaned.

"Jesus Derek."

He squeezed his eyes shut and thought of the one thing he told himself he would never think about when trying to will a boner away. He promised himself he'd never go there. It seemed today was a day for breaking his own rule's though.

He thought of his father naked. With Mrs. McCall.

"Yuck." He whimpered, looking back up at the door but not at Derek. He couldn't look at Derek until everybody was gone.

"Do not say anything to me. I'm not looking at you.  _I'm not looking at you_."

He walked past Derek refusing to look at him. He opened the door with a little more force than necessary and stormed inside. He plopped himself down on the same couch he had previously occupied.

He ignored everybody's weird looks ( _His dad naked_!) and than ignored when Derek stepped into the room ( _with Scott's mom_!).

"Wait, no hook up with nameless girl? How disappointing." Erika sighed. "Did you two break up?"

Stiles shot her the best glare he could come up with. He was pretty sure it must have been kick ass because Erika's eyes widened and she averted her eyes.

Hell yeah Stilinski!

"Meetings over."

And something inside of Stiles pushed to the surface. He suddenly snapped his eyes up, watching everybody slowly rise.

And he felt his cheeks heat up. And god, this was happening. The pack was leaving. He would be left alone with Derek. This…this was borderline too much.

Borderline.

"You okay Stiles?"

He looked toward Scott. His eyes were furrowed. Stiles blinked hard and looked away. He could feel his face burn.

"M' fine."

"Are you coming? Derek said the meetings over…did you hear?"

And Stiles was fairly sure he wanted to die right about now. If his face, his heart, and his general awkwardness was any indication, something was clearly up.

All the werewolves seemed to have stopped their progression from the room in favor of turning around and glancing at Stiles.

"Man," Jackson spoke up, "you are like, extra weird today."

"Stiles?" Scott reminded him that he had asked a question.

"He's staying for awhile, Scott." Derek's voice was low and dangerous and oh-so-damn- _sexual_. Stiles closed his eyes as his breath hitched.

"He's asked a question," Derek continued, "about werewolves and I have to answer it. It's a long story." And okay, that was actually a pretty decent excuse. Nice job Derek.

"Do you want me to wait?" Stiles heard Scott ask.

"No. He wants a  _thorough_  answer so I plan on giving it to him. It'll probably  _fill up_  quite a lot of time."

Okay. Drastic measures. His dad naked but playing doctor-touch-me-there with Mrs. McCall. Yes, this was working.

He vaguely heard Scott's sigh of agreement. When he opened his eyes he saw the whole group leaving through the front door.

He finally looked over to Derek. He gasped when he saw the hard lines and expressionless eyes of his alpha. Arms, again, crossed over his chest.

"Last chance to fucking  _come to your senses_ , Stiles. Don't make me do this."

Annnddd happiness gone. Excitement gone. Once again, Stiles was sucked back into the reality of the situation. He was pretty much forcing Derek into this, what with the alpha-protects-it's-pack thing he had going for him.

Which really, come on, is so damn irritating. Stiles was not holding a fucking gun to his head.

"Seriously Derek, fuck you. Like, really, go fuck yourself." He stood up, Derek made to speak but Stiles cut him off.

"Seriously, since you clearly don't want to fuck me, fuck yourself. I'm sorry you can't wrap your fucking head around the idea of wanting to  _be_  desirable, you already are so fucking desirable you just have to look at a person and their undies fall to the ground."

"Stiles."

"Well it's not like that with me, all-right. You can think of me as immature and slutty and pathetic, I don't care, because you just don't fucking understand."

Stiles starts toward the door. Derek is blocking it in seconds.

He can't look him in the eyes. He doesn't want to see whatever face Derek has. He was so stupid to think that Derek, even if the circumstances were odd, would actually want him like that.

"I won't go to Jack," Stiles told the ground. "Okay? You got your way. You get to continue to make my life shitty. Congradu-fucking-lations. Move."

Derek stepped closer to him. Stiles closed his eyes. The rational part of him knew that no, Derek would not hit him or cause him harm. It must have been the irrational part, then, that caused Stiles to flinch.

It was probably the part of him that realized, okay; maybe he was yelling a little bit  _too_  much. Telling Derek to literally fuck himself? Yeah, that's the part of him that flinched away.

He kept his eyes closed as he felt a hand against his cheek. He leaned into. He realized he was crying a bit.

"Jesus Stiles, you're a fucking wreck."

He opened his mouth to retort (he still had fight in him! Even if it was dying ridiculously quickly) before a squeal left his mouth instead.

Derek had picked him up, thrown him over his shoulder, and was walking him upstairs.

He was speechless. Derek laid him down on his bed and shifted till he was hovering over him.

Derek was on top of him.

Fucking  _rollercoaster_  of a day.

Stiles still couldn't look at him. He peeled his eyes upwards (unintentionally baring his neck) in an effort to not look at Derek's face.

"I'm not pathetic," he whimpered out.

Stiles could feel Derek looking down at him. He was not going to look. He didn't want to see the pity. He didn't want to see the face that would say yes-you-are-Stiles, but-I'll-pretend-you-aren't-because-you-look-like- you're-on-the-verge-of-a-breakdown.

"I never said you were pathetic, Stiles," Derek whispered. Stiles eyes wanted to flicker towards his alpha, but he suppressed the urge.

"And I'm not a whore."

"I would never think of you as a whore."

"I'm just…just..." Stiles gasped, he couldn't find the damn word.

"Lonely?" Derek supplied.

Stiles tilted his head down, finally looking at Derek. And there wasn't pity. There wasn't judgment. There was just concern.

His eyes slipped shut when he felt Derek's lips against his. It wasn't like the kiss outside, there was no tongue and no fighting for dominance. Derek had the dominance, and he was going slowly and – dare he say it – with meaning.

Stiles felt his body arch upwards. He needed to rub something against Derek. He needed more contact. One hand quickly laced into Derek's dark hair, and the other just grabbed Derek's hips, attempting to pull him down.

Derek got the idea. Stiles separated their lips in favor of the moan that left his mouth as Derek grinded down on to him.

"Derek."

Stiles felt him tense and still. He immediately wondered what he had done wrong and how he could fix it.

"You shouldn't be aloud to sound like that," he murmured into his ear. Stiles shivered.

"Put your hand's down my pants."

Stiles eyes widened in shock.

"W-what?"

"Fucking jerk me off while I dry hump you  _Stiles_."

Seeing as jerk-me-off and dry-hump were just said, Stiles brain turned to mush. A very small part of him realized that this was Derek trying to give him what he wanted, but his I-want-to-pretend-like-this-is-meaningful side wouldn't let the idea register.

Stiles hands fumbled with Derek's jeans. He undid the button and zipped the zipper down part way, sliding his hand under both the denim and the fabric of Derek's boxers.

And right around Derek's dick. Stiles shivered, moaned, and licked his lips. He didn't know what it would be like having a hand around another guy's cock, but it turned out to be exhilarating. Derek was huge in his hands, and every time he stroked, he heard the other man groan.

True to his word, Derek ground down. This time right into Stiles' hand. Oh god, Derek Hale was humping his hand.

"Well?" Derek groaned, lifting and pushing down his hips, successfully rocking Stiles into the bed. Stiles never slowed his hand.

Like he could answer. His dick was straining in his pants and making good with the contact it was getting.

"S-stop!" Stiles finally stuttered. He pulled his hand out of Derek's jeans and used both of them to grab Derek's chest.

"Holy shit stop. I'm…way to close… h-haven't even started…"

And fuck if he wasn't already panting.

He looked at Derek and groaned when he say his trademark smirk.

"You don't get to call the shots now, Stiles. There is no relaxing time. And you certainty aren't only going to cum once tonight."

"HolyshitwhadafukDerek-" Stiles moaned as Derek started kissing down his chest. He couldn't believe how quickly his jeans were undone and ripped off of his body.

He didn't even have time to be embarrassed at his nudity. He couldn't even process that, hey, this was his first time being naked under somebody else's gaze…before his mind went blank.

He lurched his body forward, glad that Derek's hands kept him, for the most part, staying still. He couldn't help it. When Derek had lowered his mouth over his dick, Stiles really couldn't be held responsible for his actions.

"That's…. Jesus Derek. Good. Really good."

He glanced downwards. He could see his dick disappearing in Derek's mouth, only to reappear a few seconds later, inch by inch, covered in spit.

It was the hottest thing he'd ever seen.

And  _felt_.

He didn't know what to do with his hands. Everything seemed to be spinning. Derek wouldn't stop his assault. There was sucking. There was licking. Stiles was pretty sure there was some throat action too. Everything felt so damn good, and too damn much.

One hand finally found itself clutched in Derek's hair, guiding him lower. It was then, with the thought that he was lowering his alpha's mouth onto his cock, that he came.

"Der!" He hoped the exclamation point came through, and that Derek realized it was supposed to be a warning and not some porno moan. He definitely failed.

Derek didn't even flinch when Stiles started spurting down his throat. Instead, he just lowered his mouth farther along the flesh and let it all slide down his throat; swallowing every other spurt.

A moment passed. Derek took his mouth away, and Stiles slowly came back down to earth. He vaguely heard the sound of a pop, but he really didn't care what it was. He didn't think he could really care about anything really, because that was –

"Oh!" Stiles gasped. A slick finger was pushing inside of him, breaching his entrance and wiggling around. The sensation wasn't abnormal, Stiles had of course done this before, but it was still new. It was so much better having somebody else's finger Stiles decided.

Stiles moaned out Derek's name. It seemed his vocabulary had regressed into something of a two year old.

"It'll take that as a yes." He heard Derek murmur. He arched his body up when a second finger slipped inside. His hands shook as he clung to Derek.

He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to keep his heart under control. It was beating way to hard right now. He was pretty sure it probably sounded like a gunshot to Derek's sensitive ears.

"You're not going to have like an attack or something, are you?" A third finger joined the other two.

Stiles shot his head up and opened his eyes, searching for Derek's. He was right above him so it didn't take long.

"Feels…so good….already. B-but…"

He could feel Derek still his fingers.

"But what?"

Stiles cheeks burned red. He felt a shiver run through his whole body at what he was thinking.

"You. It's just…really  _real_ , okay. And you're…really big. And I'd rather not be, like, ripped ap-  _holy shit!"_

Derek resumed his administrations. He was now practically  _abusing_  Stiles prostate.

"Relax."

Like Stiles could even hear him.

"Fine. Okay. Enough. Do it. Put it in me."

"Put it in me?" Derek murmured as he slipped his fingers out. Stiles groaned at the empty feeling.

"What's wrong with 'put it in me'?"

Derek laughed. It was beautiful.

"Nothing. It's fine. Here we go, okay. You got this."

"I got this.  _Ugh_."

He felt Derek's head rubbing against his hole. He was nervous, but a large part of him was screaming  _yes, yes, yes, YES_.

Slowly, so god damn slowly, Derek pushed in. And before the pain could really even hit, he was pulling away.

"Wha?"

"Shit, Stiles, you didn't blow me yet. Should we pause."

"What? N-no, I'm already prepped and shit. Get to it."

Stiles pushed down the wave of hate he felt towards himself. Derek had stopped because he didn't think he was fulfilling Stiles requests. No,  _demands_. Stiles couldn't tell if Derek actually wanted this, or if he was truly only doing this so that Stiles wouldn't accidently catch something or fall in bed with some creeper McCreepertin.

Derek kissed his forehead. He melted into it. He decided he didn't care. They were already doing this. He was just going to hope Derek… shit, he didn't know. This whole thing was just so fucked up.

"Okay."

Derek, in one push, slid the head of his dick inside. Stiles immediately moaned and clenched down, grasping onto Derek's shoulders harder. Fuck that hurt. That hurt in a very, very bad way. It effectively shot all of his prior musings out of his head. If  _that_  felt like  _that_ , how could he take more?

"Derek. It hurts."

"I know, I know." Derek leaned down and kissed his forehead again. "Would you believe me if I said it gets better?"

"Y-yes."

Derek moved slightly, putting another half an inch in.

"Fuck Derek."

"Shh. It's okay." Stiles could feel his eyes start to water. Just as they did, Derek leaned down and kissed them. Stiles tightened his hold on Derek's shoulders as he slid the rest of the way in. If it weren't for his stupid werewolf healing powers, Stiles probably would be leaving bruises.

Not that he could think that right now. Or think about anything really. It felt like Derek was literally splitting him in half.

"I'm sorry," Stiles moaned, releasing Derek's shoulders and moving his hands down unto his biceps. Stiles was fairly sure he was sorry for forcing Derek into this, but apart of him wondered if Derek even understood that.

"Don't worry about it."

Stiles opened his eyes and looked up at Derek. Their faces were barely a foot apart. There was something in his eyes, something Stiles had never ever seen before. He had absolutely no idea what it was or what to make of it.

He was slowly adjusting. The pain was lessening, and becoming more of an ache.

"Please don't hate me after this," he whispered, trying to gauge Derek's reaction for a chance at the truth.

Derek just shook his head and put a finger on Stiles lips. Without breaking eye contact, Stiles felt him slide out and than thrust back in. His mouth fell open into an O, and he wasn't embarrassed at all at the moan he made.

It was still painful, but Stiles definitely felt a promising sensation buried under it. He watched Derek's eyes as he did it again. It was slow and agonizing, pulling out, thrusting back in, and than waiting.

It was also  _So_.  _Fucking_.  _Hot_.

"Oh my god, Derek. Feels…good. So good."

Another slow roll away, another sharp thrust in.

"Okay. Oh my god. Faster. Please."

Derek complied. Stiles felt like he was being fucked into the mattress. He'd heard of the phrase before, and know realized how it came to be.

He really wanted to watch Derek's face. Guy's cheekbones and perfect stubble was the most beautiful thing to look at. But said guy was also hitting his prostate with every thrust, and Stiles was so full and on cloud nine that his eyelids kind of forced themselves shut.

"You're going to come now," Derek murmured into his ear. Stiles breath hitched as he felt a hand wrap around his cock, stroking it in time with Derek's thrusts.

His orgasm ripped through every part of his body. He was pretty sure he had died and gone to heaven. Or maybe he didn't die, and somehow Derek's dick had the amazing superpower of transporting him to heaven. It was probably the latter, because Stiles came back to the world after a few moments of pure bliss.

He groaned. His ass was now a lot more sensitive to Derek. It still felt good, but everything was starting to ache again.

"Derek.  _Please_."

He opened his eyes and tried to stop the spinning. Derek pulled out, and after a few seconds, Stiles felt hot cum spurt onto his stomach. He looked down at the sight, Derek's hands feverishly working his dick, and long white ropes spurting out.

_And landing on his stomach._

After what felt like a gallon of sperm, Derek finished.

"That was a lot of cum," Stiles whispered. His brain totally wasn't functioning. He had just lost his virginity. He had no idea what made him comment on that. He really hoped Derek didn't take that badly or as an insult.

Stiles was staring up at the ceiling. He wasn't sure if Derek was looking at him, but he couldn't find himself to check.

He didn't think he'd feel like this. Sure it had been amazing, but what now. Oh god, he had actually done this. He had forced Derek Hale to have sex with him! His alpha! Somebody he'd see on a regular basis.

"It's a werewolf thing."

Stiles closed his eyes and tried to fight back tears as Derek lifted himself off the bed. Of course he wasn't going to lie down and cuddle him? What the hell was that? Stiles was mentally forcing himself to remain calm.

_Oh_.

Stiles body jerked as a very warm and very wet something was wiping at his stomach. For a split second he had thought it was Derek's tongue.

It was a washcloth. He watched Derek's hands as he cleaned Stiles' stomach.

This…this was not good. Not good.

"Do you…want anything to eat?" Derek asked lamely, standing up and turning away. Stiles quickly pulled the covers over his naked body. He felt ashamed, degraded, and more naked than he'd ever felt before.

"No."

"All right, I'll be…downstairs. You can stay the night if you want."

He left. Stiles stared at the doorway for a long moment. He would not cry. He would  _not_  cry. Derek would totally hear him and that would just be even more embarrassing.

Which, for the record, would be extremely hard to do. Seriously, how much more embarrassment could a person take.

He took deep breaths and focused on getting out of there. He could breakdown when he got home. He could hate himself then, but not now. He needed to leave with as much dignity as he could muster.

He slid out of bed and quickly pulled on his clothes. He didn't turn around or anything as he marched out of the bedroom and down the flight of stairs. He was doing good. He wasn't even that teary eyed. He felt like he had control, like he could easily walk out and maybe never come back.

That was until he got to the kitchen. When he entered, Derek froze from pouring his cereal into a bowl to looked up at him.

And it hit Stiles.

He would never have this again. He wouldn't have his pack. He wouldn't have meals with his friends and with Derek ever again. He wasn't going to be able to admire (worship) Derek's body from afar. He wasn't going to be able to joke around and annoy his alpha.

It was all ending. Because there was no way he'd ever be able to look at Derek again and not feel guilty.

"I'm…"  _Sorry_.

But he couldn't get it out. He just averted his (yep those are definitely tears goddamnit) eyes and made a beeline for the door.

Derek intervened, stepping in his way. Stiles recoiled as if a gun had been pointed on him.

"Why are you cowering away from me?"

Cowering? Okay, so Stiles had jumped back, but that was  _not_  cowering.

"I don't deserve to be able to touch you again. I'm sorry."

There. He said it.

"Stiles."

"Please move."

"Was I that bad?"

Derek shifted nervously. Stiles was downright shocked.

"What? No! God, I'm pretty sure nobody's ever going to compare. I just...please move!"

"And you're, what, planning on never seeing me again? Avoiding the pack meetings?"

Stiles didn't answer. The floor seemed to be a lot more interesting than Derek did right now.

"Look, Stiles, I'm sorry I can't be all 'that was amazing let's be boyfriends' and suddenly realize some deep seated feelings for you. I'm sorry I don't want to take you back up to bed and cuddle the hell out of you. And I'm sorry I'm making you fucking cry, but seriously Stiles, it's fine.  _It's fine_.  _Don't worry about it_."

Stiles wanted to make a retort, defend himself or something, but all that came out was a choked sob noise.

Great.

"Look, you weren't the only one who fucking enjoyed that, okay. I'm pretty sure I fucking came on you, and I'm pretty sure I was the one who had to hold back from breaking you with their dick."

Stiles looked up, confused. He looked at Derek's chest (he still couldn't face his eyes) and scrunched together his eyebrows.

"What?"

Derek suddenly dropped his voice.

"I liked what just happened. I liked it a little too much, actually."

Stiles finally looked into Derek's eyes. His face screamed worry, anxiety, and maybe even…fear? Of what, of rejection? From Stiles?

No, Stiles realized. He was afraid of what he had just said. He was afraid of liking Stiles. Stiles' body? Sex with Stiles? This was all just so fucked up.

"I'm confused."

Derek made a noise that sounded like a growl  _and_  a whine.

"I am too."

They stood there. After a minute of silence passed, Stiles nodded.

"Right, okay. So we're all confused. Got it. So uh, thanks for the sex and the deflowering. I'm going to go. And I'll see you….around. Yep. Bye."

He was about to push past Derek when he felt his world tip upside down. Suddenly, instead of facing the door, he was facing the floor and Derek's butt.

"What are you doing?!"

He was thrown on to the couch. Derek plopped down next to him and than pulled him into his lap. Stiles was shocked.

He was literally sitting on Derek, mashed up against his chest. So much for not touching. Stiles couldn't help but feel a little stab of guilt.

"What happened to the no cuddling?" He bit out, trying to free himself.

"With the hope of not completely fucking up our relationship, I viewed it necessary."

Stiles stopped squirming. He gave up. He threw his head down against Derek's shoulder and groaned.

"It's already fucked up Derek. There's no saving it."

"So you don't want this to happen again?"

Stiles whole body tensed.

"And you do?"

"Listen, I'm apparently sexually attracted to you. And you are to me. So lets just leave it at that. Maybe the start to this was weird, but that's all it was. A way to start. Don't beat yourself up for it. You just got a fuck buddy out of it."

Stiles looked up at Derek. Silently questioning his seriousness.

"Yes I'm being serious."

"Oh."

_Oh_.

"It  _was_  really good, wasn't it?" Stiles murmured, slowly lowering his head back against Derek's shoulder.

"I never thought I would have sex with you, Stiles. But if I did, I'm pretty sure I would never have thought it would be  _that good_."

"There was kind of two insults in there."

"I just said I you were amazing in bed. Focus on that dipshit."

"Well thanks, asshole. So you know, you were pretty fucking amazing yourself."

Derek hummed.

"I'm the alpha." Stiles rolled his eyes as he heard the unsaid  _so of course I'm amazing at sex._

"Oh my god, could you be more full of yourself."

"No, but I'm thinking you could."

Stiles shivered. Derek lifted him back up and Stiles wrapped his legs around him.

"Derek," Stiles whispered, mouthing at his… _something's_  neck.

"Yes Stiles."

"This is really fucked up."

"I know. But I think I'm going to enjoy it."

"I'm - "

"If you say you're sorry, I'm not going to hold back next time. I'll fuck you so hard you'll literally beg for me to cum."

Stiles nibbled his ear and hummed out two words.

"I'm sorry."

 


End file.
